


For the Living

by lookninjas



Category: Glee
Genre: Character Death, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6100870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookninjas/pseuds/lookninjas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not the first time that Kurt Hummel has planned a funeral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Living

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Deutsch available: [For the Living -- Nicht für die Toten](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9133549) by [Klaineship](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klaineship/pseuds/Klaineship)



> This was written purely for purposes of catharsis, and is probably rough as hell. The title comes from _The Undertaking_ by Thomas Lynch.

"I dunno, dude," Finn says, leaning against the wall just a few feet down from Coach Sylvester's office door. Kurt stations himself a little bit away, at the perfect angle to see through the window without being seen in return. "I mean, she seems kinda touchy right now. Maybe we should just let her..."

He trails off.

Alone in her office, Coach Sylvester has sunk down at her desk and buried her face in her hands. Kurt bites his lip and takes a deep breath, turning away. He feels ashamed of himself for looking in the first place.

Finn's hand falls heavily on Kurt's shoulder; Kurt blinks up at him, blinking away tears. "This means a lot to you, doesn't it?" Finn asks, his head tilted to the side.

Kurt can barely get the words out at first. "Yes," he manages, finally, still staring up at Finn. "Yes it does."

"'Kay." Finn's arm slides around Kurt's shoulders, pulling him a little closer. Nine months ago, the only person who would ever touch Kurt like this was his father. Nine months ago, Kurt wouldn't have let anyone touch him anyway. It's a little dizzying sometimes to think about it. He was so _alone_ back then.

In her office, Coach Sylvester straightens and puts her reading glasses on, sitting so rigid and tense that it's like there's an iron bar holding her up, like she knows that someone's looking.

Kurt takes a deep breath and peels away from the comfort of his brother's touch. "Come on," he says, quietly, and tightens his grip on the orchids in his hands.

 

*

 

This is not the first time Kurt Hummel has planned a funeral.

 

*

 

He lasts for approximately three seconds before he snatches the pom-pom back up off the pile of trash. After all, Coach Sylvester might want it later. Or she might not; it might be one of those things that's just too painful for her to keep around, and if it is, then Kurt's not going to force it on her. He just wants her to have the _option_.

Finn sits down on the bed, turning the videotape over in his hands. "Do you think Coach Sylvester ever watched this?" he asked, holding it up. "Like, with her sister?"

"Probably," Kurt says, smoothing out the plastic fringe of the pom-pom with his hands. "She read to her. Why wouldn't they watch movies together, too?"

"Yeah." Finn stares, thoughtfully at the tape. "God, it's weird. I mean, she must have been here, like, every day. Coach Sylvester, that is, not her sister, obviously, because her sister lived here. But I guess Coach kind of..."

Kurt takes a deep breath and looks back over at the picture albums. "She kind of lived here, too," he says.

When he manages to look back at Finn, Finn is studying him. "We're not doing this for Jean," he says, quietly. "Are we?"

All Kurt can do is shake his head and run the pom-pom's fringe through his fingers, over and over again. "Funerals aren't really for the dead," he says.

 

*

The first thing he decides is that his father won't wear a suit. Because he's only ever seen his father in a suit one time, and although there are aspects of that memory that he cherishes (a rough hand holding his, the sense of comfort in his father's touch), he doesn't want that to be the thing he thinks of, at the end. He'll wear his coveralls instead, the clean ones that are still sitting in the laundry basket, because Kurt can't bear to give up anything that smells like his father, like the shop and the grease and...

He presses his lips together and closes his eyes, and when that's not enough, he pulls his knees to his chest and just sobs for a while, alone on this empty couch in this empty house, and no one comes to comfort him because soon there will be no one left to do so.

And when he's done, he takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes and goes back to planning.

First of all, his father won't wear a suit.

 

*

 

Santana and Brittany offer to sit with him in the funeral home, but he turns them down, as gently as he can. It's important to him that he do this alone, this one last thing.

He does turn around once, when Mr. Schuester gets to the part in Coach Sylvester's speech about the invisible tether. There's a boy in the very back, dressed in a sober dark suit, his curly hair slicked down tight to his head. He nods at Kurt, and Kurt gives him a faint smile before turning back to face the front again.

He closes his eyes and reaches out, and feels the answering tug.

 

*

 

She tends to come late in the evenings, right after the shift change, after Finn and Carole have gone home and everything has gone quiet except for the quiet beeping of the life support machinery. She says it's because she hates hospitals, although that really doesn't make much sense.

They don't talk, usually; Kurt's not really sure what either of them would say. They don't touch, either. She stands by the wall or sits a chair away from him, silently watching, and he thinks he might love her a little for that, for letting him be alone without actually being alone. For letting him be.

There's just one time when they do things differently. It's actually the last time the two of them will be alone together like this, in this hospital room, listening to the sound of the life support machinery. Neither of them knows that, of course. From here it seems like this will go on forever, that nothing will ever change. That Kurt will spend the rest of his life holding his father's hand and waiting for a response that never comes.

He swallows back tears. "Coach? Do you think... Do you think they'd be offended if I asked them not to sing at the funeral? It's not that... It's not that I'm angry at them, or anything, I just...." He swallows again, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I just think it would be easier if they didn't."

And Coach Sylvester crosses the room to stand behind him, and rests her hand on his shoulder.

She never answers his question.

 

*

 

The crowd has thinned out considerably by the time they reach the cemetary.

Blaine doesn't lurk at the fringes this time; he stays by Kurt's side as the casket is lowered, the two of them holding hands. Coach Sylvester stands by herself, a little bit apart. Kurt watches her watching the casket and hopes that she knows that she's not really alone, but it's hard to say for sure.

This isn't the first funeral he's planned, but it's the first one he's had to see all the way through. He doesn't really know what this part is supposed to feel like.

At the end, Coach thanks them for coming, and Kurt doesn't say anything at all; he just reaches up and puts one hand on her shoulder, to remind her.

He and Blaine are still holding hands when they walk away.

"My dad invited us out to lunch," he says, tugging Blaine a little bit closer. "If you wanted to. That's all right, isn't it?"

Blaine bumps his shoulder against Kurt's. "I'd love to," he says. "Is there anything... Did you need to do anything before we go?"

Kurt knows what Blaine is asking, and why he's asking it. He also knows that, as much as he misses his mother, she's not the person he really needs to see right now. "No," he says, and nudges Blaine back. "I just... I just want to see my dad right now."

Blaine squeezes his hand.

 

*

 

After his father squeezes his hand, after he shifts in the bed, after Kurt closes his eyes and pulls on that invisible tether and finally feels someone pulling _back_ , Kurt goes home. He washes all of his father's work shirts and coveralls, scours the stains out of the _Hummel Tire and Lube_ mug and puts it back in the cabinet; he turns all the pictures around because it will no longer hurt to see them; he returns the John Mellencamp cd to its case and opens up the curtains even though it's past midnight and there's no more sunlight to be let in.

When he returns to the living room, he sees the list still sitting on the corner of the coffee table.

_1\. Absolutely NO SUIT. Coverall/work shirt + Dickies instead. ~~Baseball cap?~~_

He tears it up and throws it in the trash, then collapses on the sofa and cries for three hours straight.

 

*

 

Sue never asks him about the pom-pom.

He keeps it on the corner of his vanity, though. Just in case.


End file.
